Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek.
The arches don’t merely want to be golden.
They want to be made of more pure gold than Donald Trump’s faucets.
It’s hard to scrape by in the low-margin business. But if you persuade people you’re, you know, posh, just imagine how much they’ll pay.
Did you know, for example, that just as Starbucks has pressed millennials into paying $ 10 for a coffee, McDonald’s has started to charge $ 15 for a burger?
These so-called Signature burgers will now come with something you never thought you’d see: A knife and fork.
Yes, it’s only in France. But you know that when it comes to style, France leads and the rest of the world marvels.
Gourmet burgers are a thing. The word gourmet is French. So Les Ronalds de La France believe the Signatures should be enjoyed with signature cutlery.
“Cutlery is an evolution rather than a break with the past, in the same way that we’ve brought in table service, now available at more than 80 per cent of our restaurants,” Xavier Royaux, head of marketing at McDonald’s France told Le Figaro.
Mon McDieu! Whatever will happen next?
Wait, did he say table service? Well, yes. That’s being rolled out in the US, too.
You weren’t aware? You should stop trying to recreate Top Chef dishes and get out more.
Still, you’re an American. You do most things with your hands. Eat, tweet and pick scabs from your feet, for example.
Do you now have to learn how a knife and fork might help the burger-chomping experience?
If you don’t, won’t you feel like a second-class citizen, sitting there with messed-up hands, while upscale hooh-hahs eat their fancy burgers with cutlery and make sure their little fingers are sticking out just so?
Isn’t there enough us-and-themming in this world?
What happened to the uniters who promised to end the era of division?
I fear fisticuffs, as Manual Eaters assault the Cutlerists — verbally, at first — with: “You think you’re better than me, do you?”
Then there will be poking of ketchup-stained fingers into chambray-covered chests. Shortly afterward, the police will be called.
I fear politicians will leap upon the socially divisive bandwagon and proudly declare that they will never, not ever, eat a burger with a knife and fork.
Have you seen new French president Emmanuel Macron? No way he eats burgers with his power-handshaking hands.
I have one element to defuse this troubled situation.
I need to tell you about the knives and forks being offered. They’re made of recyclable plastic, not silver.
Perhaps there’s still hope for social harmony. Not much, you understand. But still.